How to be a control freak

Continuing our cynical diatribe, if the “victim” mentality doesn’t work for you, you can always consider the alternative: being a control freak. Sometimes the victim thing doesn’t work because it actually stresses you out to feel so powerless (even if it does absolve you of having to work or make decisions). Being a control freak has the wonderful ability to fabricate a sense of significance and self-worth. Especially if you’ve been devalued, rejected or ignored in your past, being a control freak can help expose meet those deep, personal, vulnerable needs…at least enough to survive.

So here are your tips and tricks to being a successful C.F.:

1) Be afraid…like really afraid. All control is just a front for deep rooted anxiety. If you’re going to get the reigns of the relationships around you and orchestrate your environments to suit your own sense of safety and preference, you gotta start by stirring up some serious issues. It helps if you can project some of your past hurts and pains (rejection, being overlooked, abuse even) onto people around you. No one’s coming to make sure you don’t get hurt again so make your world work for you.

2) Always formulate and fight for your opinions convictions. You’re going to have to do some work, but always make sure you see the flaws in everyone and every scenario you encounter. Remember: no one’s ideas are ever as good as your own. Even if it’s genuinely impressive, it’s not as good as it could be. The second you settle is the second you lose your power. There’s nothing more threatening to a good control freak than losing their power.

3) Assume that people are always one statement away from rejecting you. Remember: you’re in control. People are flippant and emotional and are easily impressed by… well… more impressive people than you. You’ve got to give them a reason to stay loyal to you. You’ve got to keep the attention on yourself. People like to feel needed so need people. But don’t ever let them see what you really need (unconditional love), just make sure that they see their part in your drama (real or fabricated).

4) Speaking of unconditional love… Make sure that the roots of your worldview are never truly based in understanding or living as one who values unconditional love. Love can’t be real if there’s no way to lose it. People (and God) aren’t robots who are just living out what they’re programmed to do (love you). So make sure you are always EARNING their love and trust, that way you can always stay in control. Grace is unnecessary when you’re in control.

5) Go to extremes. Either get super clingy to a few select people who can never leave your side or float often from group to group constantly winning people over, becoming the center of their social universe, then leaving when they need you too much. Normal, casual, mutually beneficial relationships won’t work for you. It’s either all or nothing.

6) Assume that God’s staying distant for a reason. It might not have even occurred to us them that God’s even noticed our plight. He didn’t seem to be around when pain happened in the past and life was too lonely, out-of-control, or painful when He had His chance to intervene, so we’re content to make it work for ourselves. It can never be God’s fault (because He’s…well… God) so don’t blame Him, but don’t count on Him either.

7) Always talk about your latest life-changing epiphanies. As long as you’re “growing,” you’ll always steer people away from confronting how intimidating, manipulative or needy you might be.

Controlling your relationships and environments will give you a complex purpose. That’s what we all want: to matter. If you can get people to notice you, listen to you, change their minds because of you, fight for you and never cross you, you should find the safety you crave…just remember that it will need to be monitored and maintained 24/7.

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