How to be a victim

This is your guide to being a victim. So many people in the world are genuine victims (tsumani, earthquake, human slavery/trafficking, innocent bystanders of war or political upheaval). But fortunately, there’s a way you can assume the persona of a victim by following a few simple guidelines. In your case, you get to choose to live like this so consider carefully. Understand that living like a voluntary victim takes incredible commitment. You can’t compromise because the proverbial house of cards will fall if you slip up even once.

1) Do nothing. It’s impossible to be disappointed or trapped by the decisions you don’t make and the responsibility you successfully avoid. Always make sure that no productivity happens on your own volition, that way everything in your life happens TO you instead of BECAUSE of you. It’s important that if you’re a victim that nothing can ever be traced back to your intentions or initiative. Remember: being a victim absolves you of responsibility…in other words: it’s never your fault.

2) Always make sure there’s something you “intend” to do. Victims can’t be vegetables, you’re still a person. You have to live your life. So if you’re going to be a victim, always have a plan but here’s the catch: never use a deadline. As long as you have a “plan” you can’t be blamed for being lazy. The goal is to always preserve your own significance but always keep it in the future.

3) Always have an excuse explanation. This is probably the easiest habit to form if you’re going to be a successful victim. Always have someone or some circumstance to blame for your inactivity. One way to be super successful about this is to formulate unorthodox plans. Always chart your own course that assumes you can shortcut the system and make sure that the success of your “plan” relies on exceptions to be made on your behalf.

4) Never accept or admit that you’re a “victim.” This is crucial because as soon as you “own” this issue, the indictment might require you to lose your victim status. Make sure that you can always justify your victimized excuses explanations in a noble, admirable, intentional manner. If you’re going to focus your efforts anywhere: learn how to communicate. It’s all about convincing yourself and those around you that you’re not actually a victim.

5) Surround yourself with other victims. It’s easy, as long as no one else takes responsibility, they’ll never confront you on not taking responsibility. You can live happily absolved of any burden or pressure because everyone will be too obsessed with themselves to care about or notice you.

6) Admit just enough self-awareness. If you do have people in your life who are intrusive enough to interfere with your personal development, you can stave them off by showing them that you agree that personal growth is important. You don’t have to be actively working towards anything, you just have to admit you understand. That “self awareness” should keep people from examining your life and intentions too much so you can stay comfortably stagnant.

7) Keep things abstract and super spiritual. Always make it God’s fault. If you won’t choose don’t have anything you want to do or “can’t decide find” something to do with your time (beyond a weekend, vacation or sabbatical), you can always stand on a conviction that God said it’s okay that you’re doing nothing and you should keep doing it. It’s the ultimate trump card and can keep you passive and isolated for a really, really long time.

Remember that victimization is always your choice. If you’re ever tempted to take responsibility or initiative, remember that by doing so, you’re likely to make a significant (or…well…any) impact on the world around you. It will cost you time, independence, flexibility, and the option to live a life that that has your entertainment and comfort at it’s center.

Choose wisely… (unless you have a “good” excuse reason to postpone or avoid it entirely).

4 Replies to “How to be a victim”

  1. I like reason #5… the number one thing keeping me from being a victim is the community I’ve surrounded myself with on a daily basis. They don’t play the victim game and they don’t allow me to do it either. They’ve had such an effect on me, I’m not even sure I can go back to being a victim.

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